Over the years, I've watched different people among my friends and extended family, cope with the pain, loss and heartbreak, that the 'Loss of a Loved One' automatically brings, very differently.
No doubt, everyone feels extreme sadness, and the 'Reality' always takes a while, to truly sink in, for everybody. Whether the loss was sudden and unexpected, or whether it came at the end of a long and difficult period of sickness and struggle, which kind of makes people aware, that it's going to happen soon; the 'Pain' is still the same, for every human being, anywhere in the world.
The Emotions 'Expressed or Not Expressed', on the day of a Funeral, don't always portray the true picture, or the depth of what someone may be 'Feeling'. While some are unable to control their 'Tears', on a day like that; others may choose to meet and greet, those who've taken the time to be there, with a 'Warm Smile of Gratitude', instead of Tears. A lot of people prefer to cry in silence, when they're alone, rather than in front of the whole world.
When it comes to 'Perspectives', on how long people are supposed to Grieve, or how much time is needed to Overcome the Pain, after a Loss; there are as many 'Opinions', as there are people in the world. Phrases and comments related to this, that I hear very, very often are:
He/She hasn't come out of it yet!
You need to 'Start Living' again.
How long are you going to hold on?
You have to 'Let Go'!
You must do something, to divert your mind.
Focus on your work. It'll help you forget.
Keep yourself busy and occupied.
You can't keep wallowing forever.
If you keep thinking about it, you'll never 'come out of it'.
It has been so many years now. He/She would have wanted you to 'Move On'.
Time Heals!
...and there are countless other lines like these, that I frequently hear people saying, all the time. In my opinion, a lot of these are so terribly 'INSENSITIVE', even though most people think they 'mean well', when they say things like this.
More than them wanting 'You' to Cope with Grief though, I often feel that the people around you (including Friends and Family sadly) say things like these, when they really don't know what else to say, or how to deal with, seeing another person expressing their sadness and emotions, for an extended period of time.
So statements like these, are often their way of indirectly saying, 'I have had enough of all your Crying. I think that's enough now. Just Stop!'
I know, that this is another 'generalization' that I am making, which may not be the case for everyone. There are a lot of times, when people who 'Care and are Close to You', may genuinely want you to get back to 'Life as it used to be'.
What they unfortunately fail to realise, is that 'Life can never ever go back, to the way it used to be'; and that's the 'Harsh Reality', which not everyone Understands, till they Experience what you have gone through, themselves.
So often, I wish I could just 'tell people off', or 'say what I truly think', about statements like the ones above. I may have written about them, a few times before as well, whenever things like these have bothered me.
Thoughts like these, are always floating around in my head. So putting it down in writing somewhere, just clears it all out of my mind, and prevents my brain from exploding, at least for the moment.
People who pass remarks like these, all the time - the 'Habitual Advice Givers', really need to make note, of some of the thoughts, that I've written about here.
According to me, every person in this world deals with Pain and Loss differently. So 'Blanket Rules and Statements' (like the ones I mentioned earlier), 'Cannot and Should Not' be applied to everyone Uniformly, when it comes to coping with the 'Loss of a Loved One and dealing with Grief'.
What works for one person, most certainly will not work for another; because each one finds their own way, and no one way, is right or wrong. '
The 'Time' that each person takes, to 'Process' what has happened, also differs for each individual. So not everyone, 'Copes at the same Pace' as another. There will always be individual differences in the 'Time Frame', that each person takes to deal with Loss and Pain, (ranging from a few months, to a few years, to a Lifetime).
Also, the Intensity, Suddenness, Severity, Frequency and the Number of Losses in a person's life, together with one's Support System (or lack of it), makes the 'Time' that one takes to recover, differ from person to person as well. Sometimes, when an individual has dealt with, 'way too much Loss than they can handle', it becomes that much more difficult to cope. (Not easier at all, as some people conveniently presume.)
Of course, the kind of 'Relationship' one shared with the person who has passed, and the kind of 'emotional stress and physical hardships' that people have had to endure, while being 'Care-Givers', especially during long illnesses, prior to a Loss, also contribute to how one Recovers later.
...And I think, that 'Time doesn't Heal Anything', because it only takes a single moment and a single memory, to trigger off 'A Million Flashbacks'. Irrespective of how many years may have gone by, the mind takes you back to 'Moments of Struggle' and 'Unforgettable Everyday Memories', at the speed of lightening, in a second (set off by the most random things ever)...and that could really happen, as a result of just about anything, anywhere, anytime.
From my own Experiences, I know how the 'Death of a Loved One' just makes you realise, that the one thing, which none of us are truly aware of, is 'How much Time we really have, here on Earth'.
It makes us conscious of the fact, that 'Nothing Lasts Forever'.
It teaches us to 'Be More and More Detached', because at the end of it all, we can't take anything or anyone along. We have to just 'Leave it all behind.'
...and I Believe, that it is only on that day, when we bid Adieu to this Life ourselves, that we will really and truly 'MOVE ON'.✍️
