(An updated FB Memory, from 12th September '21. Reading the heart-warming comments from friends and loved ones, on old posts like these, is something that really uplifts me, on days like these.)
Six years ago, on this day, my mum's long battle with Cancer, came to an end, on the 12th of September, 2018. I'm sharing these memories of that struggle today, because writing it all down, can be very 'Therapeutic'; and who knows, it may just help someone else too.
Just about 7 months after my Dad passed away in 2009, after a very sudden and brief illness; the news of my mum's first Cancer, hit me like 'a bolt of lightning'.
I still remember actually crying the whole way back from the Tata Hospital, in the train, on the day I got that first biopsy report; and some 'Complete Strangers' sitting opposite me, asking me what had happened. I don't know who those two women were, but I will always remember how they were 'Genuinuely Concerned', for an absolutely unknown person in distress.💕
From that day on though, hospital visits became very frequent, and I began to go to the Chemist, more often than the Grocery Store. Right through the next 8 and a half years that followed, I lived in the 'Constant Fear' of losing the only person, who I ever called a 'Best Friend', in my whole life.😢
The two of us, did have a few years of a little respite in between, after she recovered from her first illness, even though she continued to be on a mild form of chemo medication, all through those years in between; and the after effects of her earlier 'Mastectomy', continued to trouble her, during that entire time.
But the second Cancer that re-appeared a few years later, was charging and galloping through her body, at a much faster pace than the first, affecting multiple vital organs; and despite the very major 'Whipple surgery', followed by many, many rounds of Chemos that she underwent, it just didn't give up. It steadily kept taking her away, one moment at a time...I knew it. I could see her slipping away gradually; but there was absolutely nothing I could do, despite doing everything that was humanly and medically possible. That's what true 'Helplessness' feels like.😞
Those last two years of that battle were the hardest of all. I still remember how much I struggled, to juggle my school work and all the hospital visits. With countless sleepless nights, due to the intense pain, and all the side effects that my mum was going through, I was restless and awake on many, many nights too; and so, I was literally functioning on 'Auto-Pilot' in school and walking around in my sleep everyday, for close to two years.
My mum lost almost 30 kgs of weight during that time, because that's what Chemotherapy does to the human body. To those who knew her before, she was almost unrecognisable, towards the end. When you are a 'Caregiver' to your own Mother, while balancing a very demanding job, the emotional and physical stress, undoubtedly affects you as well; and I also shrunk quite a bit, during those years.
The pain my Mum was feeling just overtook everything. I talked to her, but 'she wasn't really listening'...When your world just goes 'Absolutely Silent' like that, you slowly just 'Stop Communicating', with everyone else too.
The day she finally passed away, left me feeling very 'Lost'. I knew it was going to happen; and yet, when it finally did, it just tore me into a million pieces...I smiled at friends and family on the day of her funeral, because that's what I always do; but I have cried every single day since then, for six long years, wishing things had happened differently.😢
'The Journey since then, has been a relatively Quiet one'. Thankfully, I've had Music to keep me company. I really don't know, what I would've done without it, especially because the pandemic and all the 'forced isolation and social distancing', which it brought with it, came almost immediately after she had died.
Six years down the road, a lot of things are still as they were before she left, because I just don't feel like doing anything about them, as yet. There are so many things, I need to get done; but I have no clue where to begin.
And of course, my work went on for a while; but more than half the time, I was still functioning on Auto-Mode, like before. So, when I realised that, I couldn't do it anymore, because it just wasn't the way I wanted to continue doing something, that I had truly loved and absolutely enjoyed doing, for 18 years of my life; with an extremely heavy heart, I finally just gave it all up. Leaving DB will always be, the 'toughest and most heart-breaking decision' I ever made, in my entire life.💔
...But this old world keeps on turning.🎶 So, I do try to find new ways to Smile everyday, even when it's hard. While I miss my Mum every single day, I've kind of retreated into a silent shell for a while...There is no doubt, that it is very 'Lonely in my Solitary Cocoon'. But, the complete 'Insensitivity' of a lot of people in this world, (those who supposedly care), makes being by yourself, seem like a wiser option, most of the time.🤷🏻♀️
Along the way, during these years, I also happened to find some 'Rays of Sunshine', that I am very Grateful for.🙂🌈 Thanks to them, I 'Smiled and Laughed and Talked' a little more everyday (at least for a couple of years, when they were around, till they found better and more important things and people, to keep them busy and occupied, all the time).
I miss those happy times and those friends, more than they could ever know. I like to believe, that maybe my Mum made sure I would stumble upon them and find them, like 'an Unexpected Special Christmas Gift',🎁 at a time in my Life, when I just needed 'a Listening Ear', 'a Shoulder to Cry On' and 'a Hand to Hold'. (All the things I missed most, after losing my 'Best Friend'.)💝
This whole bunch of Special People, who I hadn't even met before, became my Friends, my closest 'Family' (when that was what I missed most of all); and although they will probably never know or understand why, they 'will always mean the world to me'.💞 I will never ever forget, what they did for me (probably knowingly, but mostly unknowingly). The word 'Thank You', will always be inadequate, to express and convey, how I truly feel.🤗
I'm glad these 'Angels Among Us', were there for me. Without realising it, they truly became 'the Most Important Part of my World', for a little while, even from afar. I guess, 'They Always Will Be'.✨️❤️
