DIARY OF A TEACHER IN DISTRESS ✍️

Have been wanting to post for a very long time; but couldn't think of what to write about. A couple of my students who are regular readers of this blog, keep coaxing me to post; but I've been buried under so much of work over the past few months, both at school and at home, that the thoughts just weren't putting themselves together. Everytime I thought I'd post, I reached a dead-end. What do I write about? Who do I write about? Nothing seemed interesting enough to put into words.

After a lot of deliberation, I finally decided to put down a few thoughts, on something that's been troubling me incessantly, over the past few months. This is going to sound more like me venting out, a lot of pent up feelings and emotions. Come to think of it, these feelings haven't really been pent up, because I've been voicing my displeasure, at every given opportunity, over the past few months. 

I never thought I'd say this, but the ones who've been the main cause of my anxiety, are actually 'My Students'. I know I've always referred to them as 'My reason to smile'; but sadly this year, I've had a series of experiences, which have been responsible for an almost complete disappearance, of that very characteristic smile, that I've always been known for. 

This may come as a rude shock, to many of my past-students; but I actually think I've been smiling a lot lesser this year, than ever before. Could go into 'Ripley's believe it or not', couldn't it?🤔

Have just been looking back on the last few months and trying to figure out, what has gone wrong this year. I'm into my 7th year as a teacher; and so far, it's always been a pleasure to go to work. The work-load, the pressure, the deadlines, the corrections - they are a real handful no doubt; but they never really bothered me so much, because in the midst of all that work, there were always a few little fellows around, with a ready smile, which made me forget that work was taking a toll on me.

The younger boys always looked up to me with wonder, as I tried to stimulate their minds and take them into imaginary worlds, that they hadn't been to before. 

To the older boys, I was like a big sis and a friend, with whom they could always share their thoughts and feelings. 

With the X Std students especially, I have always shared a very close bond every year. I've tried to be a confidant, a guide, a friend, a mentor, a role-model and so much more. 

All through these years, this arrangement seemed to work magically well. As a teacher, I always had so much to share; and my students were always open, to imbibe much more.

Then June'2010 dawned on us; and all of a sudden, everything that was magical and beautiful about this profession, that I love so much, just seemed to vanish completely. 

My colleagues and me, have encountered what we often refer to, as 'one of the toughest X Std batches ever'. They'd been a difficult set of guys in Class 9 itself; but things kind of spiralled out of control, once they stepped foot into Class 10.

Right from the very beginning, they seem to have had only one agenda. "It's our last year in school. So, let's have fun." If that so called 'good-time' comes at the cost of the teacher's distress, it didn't really matter. It seemed to be completely irrelevant to them. They chose to be totally oblivious to the fact; that we, their teachers, have been so troubled over the past few months, due to the way in which they've been conducting themselves, both in and out of the classroom.

...and that is one of the primary reasons for my distress this year. As hard as I try, I just can't seem to create the same 'Rapport' that I shared with my students, only a year ago. 

These students give me the impression, that no matter what I say, it doesn't really matter to them. My words are completely immaterial. My thoughts have no real significance, in their lives. I have so much that I want to share with them, but they just don't seem to care; not for the effort, not for the trouble taken for their sakes, not for the lost-smile (which would have been a major cause for concern, with any of my ex-students.) Nothing I say or do, seems to be worth their attention or time. I seem to have been reduced to a mere 'fly', buzzing around their heads for a few minutes every day, and they choose to just wave me away with a flick of their wrists.😔

As a result of this complete disregard for anything I say or do; in the past few months, I've gone through feelings of self-doubt, utter frustration, terrible dejection and a host of very negative emotions, which previously never came a-knocking at my door. I've tried every trick in the book to get them to realize, that I have something worthwhile to give them; but they invaribly reduce my hard-work, to a snigger or a guffaw, which can be terribly 'demoralizing'.

For a teacher, nothing can be worse than not being able to 'reach' her students. My hardest struggle this year, has been my inability to build up and create that same rapport, that I shared with students in all the years that have gone by. 

I wouldn't say that I'm disillusioned; but my belief in my ability as a teacher has definitely received a severe jolt this year. I know I haven't compromised on my teaching. I know I always give in more than my best. I know that I never go to class unprepared. Despite all that, I'm bordering on a gradual loss of optimism, which is a completely new world for me.😢

Maybe it's just this one batch, and in a few months, my ordeal will have ended; but in the months that remain, the road ahead seems uphill and the terrain extremely rocky.

I pray for strength to tide through the final few months of this journey. I pray that I may not be disillusioned by all that I have to deal with. I ask that my boys may be blest with wisdom, to know that there's a time and place for everything. I pray for courage to keep going despite the pitfalls. ✍️